I work as a phone-support tech for quite some time now. I love my job and sure I like to fix things ... but sometimes you have a person on the other end of the line that doesn't have a clue at all :( Anyway - this is a compilation of most stupidest statements and misunderstandings that average computer user have.

CLICK HERE DOWNLOAD FULL VERSION OF THIS BOOK IN PDF (Adobe Acrobat Reader) or PDB (PalmReader) or PRC (AportisDoc, СSpotRun)
if you don't have a password click here

APPENDIX A

1. WHAT TECHS LIKE TO HEAR

1.2 For faster service please have a crying baby, yelling sister(husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, meowing cat, barking dog, bird) or at least TV with the volume all the way up in the background. We enjoy hearing those sounds.

2.5 Set up your sound scheme to UnderWater so tech can hear water flush on every click.


APPENDIX B

1. BE AWARE

1.1 When you ask a tech for good book on Windows XP, tech might reply "Windows XP for Dummies". Be aware! There is no such publication, tech is simply insulting your intelligence.

1.2 If tech recommends "Learning XP VISUALLY" he implies, that you need a book with pictures, because you are so stupid that can't even read. Ask for supervisor immediately!

3.5.1 Task bar change its location and size randomly by itself.


APPENDIX C

Warranty updates

1.1 Based on the increasing demand of replacement parts the following is now covered by the warranty:

1.1.1 Spilled water/coffee/tea/vine/urine on the keyboard, as a replacement you will get new waterproof keyboard.

1.1.3 Mouse clean: including ball exchange, dust-cleaning and hair-removal.
   

0. LIST OF WHAT YOUR ISP(WE) SUPPORT:

0.0 We support all kinds of connections such as Dial-Up, Cable, DSL, Satellite, Wireless Network.

0.6 We are here (at ISP technical support) not to troubleshoot and fix your problems, but we are here to help you learn that new program that you just downloaded.

0.7 Support coverage is easy: ISP means Internet Service Provider - that means that we support everything that came through the Internet.

0.9 We can also help you read your spouse's email while they are away

1. BEFORE CALLING TECH SUPPORT

1.1 Make sure that your computer is off, because you CANNOT have your computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. If you just received your computer please leave it in original packaging, do NOT take it out of the box before calling tech support.

1.2 If computer is on, make sure that monitor is disconnected from the tower, or at least turned off.

2. CONTACTING TECH SUPPORT

2.0 When we ask you what your phone number is we need the phone number that your computer is on right now, if it's a laptop and you are traveling now, just give tech support your motel number then. If you have moved give tech a 5 yr old number.

3. PROBLEM DEFINITION AND TROUBLESHOOTING

3.1 Be advised that a tech can see the same picture on the computer screen as you do, therefore there is no need to elaborate on the problem. A short sentence like "I would like to put the internet on my computer", "I cannot get to the Internet" or better yet "It does not work!" are more than enough for a tech to fix the problem.