BY ALEX SHOORIC
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INTRO
I work as a phone-support tech for quite some time now. I love my job and sure I like to fix things ... but sometimes you have a person on the other end of the line that doesn't have a clue at all :( Anyway - this is a compilation of most stupidest statements and misunderstandings that average computer user have.
0. LIST OF WHAT YOUR ISP(WE) SUPPORT:
0.0 We support all kinds of connections such as Dial-Up, Cable,
DSL, Satellite, Wireless Network.
0.6 We are here (at ISP technical support) not to troubleshoot and fix your
problems, but we are here to help you learn that new program that you just
downloaded.
0.7 Support coverage is easy: ISP means Internet Service Provider - that means
that we support everything that came through the Internet.
0.9 We can also help you read your spouse's email while they are away
1. BEFORE CALLING TECH SUPPORT
1.1 Make sure that your computer is off, because
you CANNOT have your computer turned on and talk to tech
support at the same time. If you just received your computer please leave
it in original packaging, do NOT take it out of the box before calling tech
support.
1.2 If computer is on, make sure that monitor is disconnected from the tower, or
at least turned off.
2. CONTACTING TECH SUPPORT
2.0 When we ask you what your phone number is we need the phone
number that your computer is on right now, if it's a laptop and you are
traveling now, just give tech support your motel number then. If you have moved
give tech a 5 yr old number.
3. PROBLEM DEFINITION AND TROUBLESHOOTING
3.1 Be advised that a tech can see the same picture on the
computer screen as you do, therefore there is no need to elaborate on the
problem. A short sentence like "I would like to put the internet on my
computer", "I cannot get to the Internet" or better yet "It does not work!" are
more than enough for a tech to fix the problem.
APPENDIX A
1. WHAT TECHS LIKE TO HEAR
1.2 For faster service please have a crying baby, yelling
sister(husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, meowing cat, barking dog, bird) or
at least TV with the volume all the way up in the background. We enjoy hearing
those sounds.
2.5 Set up your sound scheme to UnderWater so tech can hear water flush on every
click.
APPENDIX B
1. BE AWARE
1.1 When you ask a tech for good book on Windows 98, tech might reply "Windows
98 for Dummies". Be aware! There is no such publication, tech is simply
insulting your intelligence.
1.2 If tech recommends "Learning Win98 VISUALLY" he implies, that you need a
book with pictures, because you are so stupid that can't even read. Ask for the
supervisor immediately!
3.5.1 Task bar changes its location and size randomly by itself.
APPENDIX C
Warranty updates
1.1 Based on the increasing demand of replacement parts the
following is now covered by the warranty:
1.1.1 Spilled water/coffee/tea/vine/urine on the keyboard, as a replacement you
will get new waterproof keyboard.
1.1.3 Mouse clean: including ball exchange, dust-cleaning and hair-removal.
Copyright Alex Shooric ©